Three years ago, someone told me, “we are both achievers; we just keep scoring”. These were the days when met Ann Miura-Ko, two young men proclaimed to have no personal life whatsoever. Now, he is settled to a nomadic but comfortable life; and me, once for a while, was trapped in the conformity of day to day living. But serendipitously enough, I was always able to get the right kick, and being vigilant to the status.
“Never settle down; never compromise; never accept the status quo”. The voice deep below repeats slowly and firmly. Never being able to adjust to the uncomfortable of life, I am thrived on the suffering of living. The phoenixes reborn from their ashes. The gorgeous Rome was built after the great fire. Only the suffering makes one stronger, mentally and physically.
A few years ago, when people asked me, “what do you want to do when grown up”. I wanted to do many things that are extraordinary. Now, I only want to craft one thing, but one thing that is bigger than myself. One thing that is so demanding will completely destroy me. One thing that can define a person, not the other way around.
Life is a trap; the world is my playground.
During a lunch a while ago, we’ve talked about how personal goals, especially these long term ones, motivated people. At that time, I had a vague feeling that some personal goals weren’t as important (objectively) as others, but failed to articulate.
Now I know that it is about personal attachments.
Fame, glory, even legends, can be pale if no person was attached to it. Personal experiences[1]: what you’ve ate, where you’ve been, or who you’ve met, are empty without “me”. These carry as personal attachments with me.
I believe causes that are bigger than oneself. These causes, may be incomprehensible without humanity, or may not. But these won’t be washed out when a person is gone. When the Faberge family was gone, the Russian eggs last. No engineers were named, the sewer system of ancient Rome kept going for ages, and ages beyond. These are the craftsmanship that inspired me.
These worth of dying for; are bigger than one’s life; are my very own crafts.
[1] Personal experiences, to many people, including me, are overrated. We confused personal experiences with achievements; often are glared by over-reaching experiences as if it has certain importance in itself. But it has none. Experiences to me, in sober state, with perfect clarity, only carry utility value. It is something that you can rely on, your body is trained to, in certain extreme situations. Experience of piloting a jet-fighter has no practical meaning until the day you had to. Being to Mountain Everest is nothing to brag about, until when the world is icing. It is something that you collect even sleeping and only found the serendipitous value afterwards.
她站在海水里说，下一刻，就在下一刻，被淹没，被海龟啃食，被鲨鱼撕裂，珊瑚伸出小触手，邪恶地尖叫。
我站在沙滩上，无奈地笑了笑。一群孩子，枯燥地从悬崖上往下跳。阳光染红了贝壳和海洋，石榴汁溅落在百折裙上。她白色的头发，在海水中飘荡，跟珍珠一样。龙舌兰，放了两年后苦涩的芳香，金灿灿的味道。
六尺高的小白兔，没有人能看到。Harvey，只有我认识他的相貌。也许真没有干净的死法，喃喃地往荒林里走道。
看，一群飞过的野鸭，欢快地唱着歌谣。
写BLOG已经八年了。从05年二月至今，断断续续，唯有05年的七月，08年的六月，10年的七月和12年的五六七月未动过笔。写得多的时候总是赋闲，写得少的时候却是忙。从BLOG还在MSN Spaces开始，有什么事情和想法，都记在了上面。也许再过几十年，就跟Caprica似的，只需要把这些个文字输入进去，马上出来一个一模一样的我。多让人泄气。
七年前，刚刚保送，大把大把的时间给自己花。可以回忆电影，还可以谈谈酒。烧掉了过去的日记，对未来有好多憧憬。开始了每年写一篇很极地很阳光的文章的习惯。
六年前被刘同学带着看各种暴力电影，Apocalypse Now，Sin City，Kill Bill……，直到最近看了Django Unchained，才觉得看Quentin Tarantino的暴力有些审美疲劳了。对了，那时候我还会算八卦呢。从清华辍学的那段时间，居然没有任何反应，还去看电影。想起来当时也确实是很休闲，每天就起床看书，炒股，晚上帮全寝室的同学下载AV。开始写意识流的文章了，六年前还真是丰富啊，在读过《激荡三十年》之后，居然还去蛇口参观感怀了一趟，见了小学时候喜欢的一个姑娘，感叹着被生活摧残得只剩下理想了，然后还写了篇情色小小说。
五年前的时候，年初就一直在挣扎，但是也有时间研究面相。预测了2012年，错了一半。天哪，我是多么的喜欢僵尸！即使到UVa读书了，心思还是乱转，申请了Y Combinator，开始了读Hacker News。
四年前又从UVa辍学了半年，还是疑惑。当时也不会想到，我居然能够从大学毕业。开始写好多形而上学的总结，想能够公式化一些东西。也从那个时候，开始写了ccv最开始最开始的一个版本。居然没有在年底前提我那个传奇的黑人哥们室友！应该过段时间写篇文章专门介绍他！
三年前的我是多么天真，居然说iPad只是大号的iPhone。第一次去参观了Facebook，好像那时候的食堂更好吃，还是我的幻觉？写信给Stephen Wolfram，还打算帮他翻译A New Kind of Science呢。在飞机上读完了最好的一本写中国的书。开始逐渐思考22岁之后到底应该相信什么，写下了达尔文主义的反智性，而自己现在依然相信。
两年前的时候，小规模的给同学们介绍了ccv的设计。那两年的我，是多么的注重于科学研究啊。上了人类学的课之后，又意识流了。然后这些啊，那些啊，两三个月都处于睡眠不足的边缘。终于开始回忆了一下小学时候穷得叮当响的情形和现在还穷得当叮晃的窘迫，可是混蛋你怎么没提这件穷得用开水泡冷馒头的事啊！也玩了一阵子Hadoop。在上了几节课之后，就开始玩弄我的专利系统改革的想法。
一年前在家的时候，反而越发想念她。终于跟大家承认了我是韩寒的脑残粉。天天跑到金门公园读书，还真的几天读完了Innovator’s Dilemma和When Genius Failed。写了另一篇半色情的很极地很阳光的小小说。直到在Hawaii休假的时候，才变得突然多愁善感起来，哪个姑娘告诉我加州每天都很阳光的，自己认错！
现在想来，大概八年前的我，对2012年的我的处境，是非常特别的之不会满意的。
I was a little bit confused in the past month. Thought that for the next year, I should focus on gaining experience and planed along that way for a while. But now I am shaked up, and realized that I should still focus on being more knowledgable and improving my physical. Will have a self-driving car prototype done by the end of 2013.